We are living in a culture of avoidance. There are many ways we arrange our lives to avoid the people who challenge our patience. Setting your boundaries to protect your mental and physical well-being is extremely important, but using boundaries the wrong way becomes a convenient way to avoid conversations we don’t want to have, even if they’re necessary for our growth.
There is a difference between a boundary that protects someone from harm and a barrier that protects someone from discomfort. If somebody threatens your mental or physical well-being, a boundary is necessary and creates distance from something harmful to you.
However, if a friend or peer comes to you with a concern about your behavior and you end the conversation because you’re uncomfortable, the situation is different. You’re no longer protecting your peace, but rather your ego. The American Psychological Association describes experiential avoidance as avoiding uncomfortable situations, even though it can do more harm than good.
“I think if the relationship is rooted in conflict, and you’re avoiding the relationship, that’s different,” psychology junior Joshua Partin said. “But if you’re avoiding conflict in the relationship, that’s an issue.”
Discomfort is especially necessary in the developmental stages of your life, particularly in college. Other students will challenge your views and disagree with you. This kind of discourse forces us to reconsider what we believe to be true, challenging us to look at life from different perspectives.
Boundaries are necessary. But if every difficult interaction is a violation, we cannot tell the difference between actual harm and the friction required in relationships. Research on close relationships tells us that interpersonal conflict is not inherently beneficial or harmful — the benefit is in the way the conflict is handled.
“I think you have to have discomfort in order to grow,” said Vicki Hutchison, a district social worker for the San Antonio Independent School District. “Whether that’s individually, professionally or in personal relationships, if you’re feeling uncomfortable, there’s something you need to work through. I do have to sometimes remind myself, ‘This conversation I’m being forced to have with this teacher may feel outside my comfort zone,’ … but if I don’t have these conversations now, how am I going to be having these conversations a year from now?”
When your roommate tells you to clean the dishes, you may instinctively become defensive. A friend will tell you that you said something hurtful to them. You may want to walk away and classify the conversation as toxic, but instead you should listen. It’s not that you need fewer boundaries. You need the ability to discern when to actually set one. Ask yourself if you’re being harmed or if you’re being challenged, if someone is violating a boundary or just telling you something that isn’t easy to hear.
UT asks us to tolerate intellectual discomfort. We know that professors will complicate what we believe and force us to reconsider what we thought we already knew. Our relationships with each other deserve that humility too. A boundary should tell people where a legitimate limit exists, not become a way to make sure nothing ever reaches us.
Henry is an English and philosophy sophomore from San Angelo, Texas.
